Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Doorway Deliberations

Change is coming rolling towards me, and pretty soon will totally envelope me.
It is exciting, but also quite challenging.
I keep looking at different aspects - am I ready to let go of all I know - FOR EVER???
That's the problem with change, you can't grasp hold of new opportunities, whilst holding on to what you already have.

Change is not being imposed on me, I have searched for it, been proactive.
Now it is here, around me, I am surprised how unsettling I find it.

During the last three months I feel that I have ricochetted between different options - is this the way to go, or should I be following this path?  I sense that folk around me are looking on in bemusement - what is she going to try next.   Sometimes you have to push doors to find out if they will open.  Sometimes, when you take a look at the view through an open door, you find yourself reaching out and closing it very quickly.  The view is lovely, but you suddenly understand that it is not where you must go. You don't forget the view, it remains within you, and helps to shape you and to understand a little more about yourself, your strengths, weaknesses and responsibilities.

Now a door has opened, suddenly and unexpectedly.  Despite my conviction that this is the right way forward, I find myself analysing the situation and spotting minor imperfections.  I cannot ignore them, I need to identify them and consider the implications, before I am ready to put them to one side. I cannot plough on assuming that everything will be OK, that is not how I roll.  I need to identify and classify.  Certainty needs to be balanced with doubt, or we never question anything.  It doesn't mean I have changed my mind, it is just part of the journey.

This change will bring grieving for the present, but also for the future.  For when we step through one door, we are accepting that we will never know what lies behind all the other doors.  We have to walk through the doorway that feels right, and trust.  The only alternative is to keep opening doors, and trying to remember all the alternatives, and weighing one against the other..

So we step through the doorway into....

to be continued.