A Crisis of Faith and Tinned Tomatoes

Dear Mr Tesco
Never again will I be buying your liquid soap. You see it is NOT like normal soap. Instead of neatly dispensing the required amount to enable a person to wash their hands in the appropriate place, it fires a dose at your person, like a heat-seeking rocket engaged in devious combat.

Why?

I have lost count of the number of floors I have cleaned and items of clothing that have been relaundered, just because your hand wash seems to be unable to fulfil the role it was assigned.

Enough is enough! I have consigned my partly used bottle to the cleaning cupboard, and replaced it with one purchased from a rival store, which does not appear to have a grudge against me.

Never again will I be tempted to buy Tesco's own handwash. No matter what the offer.

Yours very disappointedly
The Daff.

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Dear Morrisons
Further to the tin of tomatoes, I purchased from your store at some point within the last six months. Due to the increase in the price of tins of toms I succumbed to temptation and purchased an alternative brand to Morrisons own, as it was cheaper. This was where my problems began - well not all my problems, just the ones that related to tinned tomatoes...

The other day, my wife - who is not the most practical of people - was attempting, unsuccessfully, to open one of these very tins.

My wife would be the first to admit that she is absolutely useless at opening tins with ring pulls. She attributes this inability to a 'crisis of faith', she doesn't believe they will open, and therefore she does not approach them with a bold attitude.

To compensate for this 'crisis of faith' she has purchased a simple gadget to help her open tins. This usually works - though I have a sneaky feeling that if I am not around, she just turns the tins upside down and uses a tin opener.

However, when she went to open the aforementioned tin of toms the other evening, she seemed to be encountering even more difficulty than usual, with the ring pull.

In view of the lack of success my wife was having opening this particular tin, I decided that a demonstration was required, so that my wife could see EXACTLY where she was going wrong.

Now, I do NOT have a 'crisis of faith'. I know that all that is required is to apply pressure consistently and the tin will open. With the above gadget it is a doddle. Nothing can possibly go wrong....

I positioned the gadget under the ring pull and applied force generously, to show the ring pull who was boss.

However to my complete surprise, instead of opening the tin, the ring pull launched itself across the room in an arc, landing at the foot of one of the dining chairs, leaving the tin still sealed, and my wife roaring with laughter!

If I didn't know better I might have suspected that she had anticipated this very outcome. Well, there was nothing for it, I had to use a conventional tin opener.

Please can you not stock tins with faulty ring pulls, as somehow they can make me the laughing stock of the household.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Daff
PS tea was very tasty though...

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Dear Mr Tesco

I would like to point out that I never had any trouble with the liquid soap...but I have this feeling that if I were to make so bold a statement, it might backfire!

Yours sincerely

Mr Daff