Making A Spectacle of Myself!

Wednesday afternoon began with challenge one - the penalty shoot out.
The assistant tries to direct a shot past my defences,
whilst I try all sorts of tactics to prevent the aforementioned defences, being breached.
Initially, I am successful.
However, the operator is an experienced professional,
and lulls me into a false sense of security by permitting me to win a few rounds,
before sneaking one past my defences.
To my surprise, all I feel is a slight puff of air.
What was I so worried about?
Once a successful shot is fired to both the port and starboard, we move on to the next challenge.

Challenge two - 'zap the white dot'.
In honour of 'Talk Like A Pirate Day', I get to wear an eye patch for this challenge.
Resting my chin upon the support as directed, I anxiously scan the field of play before me.
I am not normally competitive, but right now I am.
Even if it means I zap the white dot before it appears.
The loser gets Glaucoma.
I am NOT going to lose if I can help it.
I am keen.
I am ruthless.
I WILL zap that white dot the moment it appears.
If not before.

Over the years I have come to dread the opticians.
Endless questions - most of which I do not have any clear answer to.
Fortunately, the "Which is brighter?" questions appear to have been phased out.

We still go through lots of "Which is clearer, the first or the second?" questions.
After I have indicated that, the first option that is clearer, four times in a row,
I start to doubt that I can tell the difference anymore
and wonder if I have become conditioned to responding that 'the first option is clearer'
regardless of whether it is
or not.

Then the optician asks the dreaded question "Have you had any problems with your eyes?"
and I have to confess that I have a floater.
Until a few months ago I was completely unaware that such things existed.
Then other people started mentioning them.
Apparently, they are a sign of ageing.
I had no plans to get old just yet,
so I thought no more about it.

Then one bright day I was sat in the car

and I was suddenly aware of this black piece of debris in my eye. 

I did all the wrong things, 

rubbed my eye, 

blinked

blew my nose. 

Nothing changed.

"Am I going blind?" I wondered.
When I return home I google my symptoms
and quickly reach a self-diagnosis
"It is a floater!
Phew! I am NOT going blind.
It is just a sign of old age!
Huh!"

My glasses are rather battered and perpetually need cleaning, so I vow to get an eye test.
I should have one every year, as my mother developed glaucoma, but I am not keen on them.
However, it is probably about 2 years since I last had my eyes tested. Eeeek!

Finding a day to fit in a visit to the opticians is complicated.
Then DH decides that he ought to have his eyes tested too.
That simplifies life.

So here I am, beside the unwavering gaze of a much larger than life-size cross-section of an eye.
With a strange twin-lensed monstrosity on my face,
whilst the optician evaluates my vision, myopia, astigmatism and all...
"Oh yes, I can see your floater!" says the optician joyfully.
It is good to know that this mysterious dark mass is not a figment of my imagination,
or the indication of anything more sinister.
"Any flashes of light?"
"Yes," said I, "But at first I assumed that it was just odd bits of light getting trapped in my eyes. 
As I only noticed it when I was walking around the house at night in the dark, to avoid waking the others up!"
Then the optician gave me some really cheerful news
"If you have a floater in one eye, you may well get one in the other! 

There is nothing that can be done, but if they get bigger, or you get lots of them, come back and see me."
Cheers!
After all the "Which is clearer, the first or the second?" options have been exhausted. The optician announces his findings
"Your distance vision has stayed the same, but your close up vision has improved."
"Hmmm. I am not convinced they got it right last time!"
"I couldn't possibly comment" replied the optician diplomatically.
After all they were made by a competitor...

Now the hard part. Choosing glasses.
I was handed over the glasses-choosing-expert for this stage
I knew the lenses were going to be expensive, so I didn't go for the de luxe option.
Then I avoided anything too designer.
I tried on a pair that were really comfortable,
but they were

bright blue!

I looked in the mirror.
All I could see were these

bright blue 

frames.
You couldn't NOT see the

bright blue 

frames.
They were just so dominant!
It was as if Prue Leith was looking back at me
and she was not impressed!
"I think I need something a little more subtle..." I informed the glasses-choosing-expert.
"I wear all sorts of colours and at this price, I cannot afford more than one pair, so I need a frame that will go with everything."
She plucked another half a dozen frames from the displays.
Eventually, I whittled my selection down to three frames.
one pair with thin frames,
one pair with frames above the lenses only
and the bright blue Prue Leith specials.
I popped them on again and looked in the mirror.
They were so comfy,
but still too dominant.

The Prue Leith blue's were reluctantly rejected.
I tried the others on again,
before choosing the ones with no visible frame underneath.
Remarkably like my current pair,
just blue rather than gold.

Now I have to wait two weeks until my glasses are ready
before I make a right spectacle of myself again!
Though knowing me, it will probably happen much sooner!